I am walking : 36

I am walking

Alone

Down a red dirt road.

My eyes are closed,

Yet I keep walking;

And every few feet

I stumble

And sometimes fall

Upon a rock I cannot see

Because I am blinded

By language and opinions

My culture and my sex.

Why do I continue

Down this road?

Where is it

That I hope to be going?

And why do I allow myself

to become bruised?

My knees and hands are

bleeding from the falls.

I have no one but myself

To pick me up and tend to my wounds.

But, I know why I continue

Down this road

My hands stretched out in front of me

Singing a song and smiling.

It is because each day

My eyes open up a little more

And I am able to see more

of the beauty 

that surrounds me

Today I did not stumble

Upon those rocks

Half as much as I used to.

I know the road leads nowhere.

It is not the destination I desire,

But the knowledge of the journey.

I long for the day

When my eyes will at last 

be wide open

seeing all.

But until then,

I will continue to fall.

It is all part of the journey.

-

---

Robin Cathleen Oleata

April 8, 1994

Caaguazu, Paraguay

---

-

Gossip : 35

that Girl is commiting AFS suicide.  Yesterday, Federico went to the AFS office in Asuncion (he's Trudi's  brother, and he's leaving for the U.S. in August, right after I leave) and he brought with him a letter from Marnie that said all the reasons why she was unhappy, and couldn't handle her mom.  Today a guy from the office called her, he told her to be more assertive with her host mom.  I hope everything works out for her, she's getting to be the best friend I have here.  I was joking with her that they would send Trudi to the Chaco to get her away from Diego and then give Marnie Trudi's family.  Who knows?  but I'm sure it will all work out.  I'm quite unhappy.  I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks!  Oh well, maybe next week, and if not, I'll live.  Letters aren't that important, they are just filled with news that doesn't interest me much.

April Star Charts : 34

Party! : 33

April 8, 1994
Yesterday night I went to a big double B-day party.  One girl was a companera of Trudi and Marnie, and the other was Edgar's girl friend (she was turning 15).  She was tall, beautiful, and immensely skinny.  I loved her dress, I want one like it.  It was white, short, and very tight.  It had underneath a white satinish material sleeveless slip and over was white short sleeved lace that came up to her neck.  There were about 50 pearl buttons going down the back.   Knock-out beautiful.  There were tons of people at the fiesta and they had endless delicious food; good, loud music, lots of available guys, and good drinks.  At the beginning we did the little dance in a circle (all girls) and swich being the person in the middle.  Then Whitney Houston;s "I will always love you" came on and Marnie and I stood on top of a chair and belted it out.  It was so much fun.  I danced till 12, then home to bed, because it was Thurs. night!  At the party Trudi danced with Diego and held his hand and he told her he loved her (such shit, it is probably the only English he knows).

Lonely Adjustments : 32

March 30

11 pm

My mind is so full of thoughts.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep again.  It is holy week, chipa and church.  My sister dislocated her shoulder today playing handball, I don;t think I want to play, it sounds dangerous.  Yesterday my Dad got pictures developed in Asuncion, it was fun to see them.  Lis invited me to go to her basketball practices on Mondays and Fridays, maybe I will learn the game.  I finished reading The Awakening today, it shocked me.  I wasn't ready for the ending, when she began swimming out into the sea I kept thinking no, it won;t end like this, there will be more.  All of the Kate chopin stories aren't good for me right now, they are making me lonely.  The main thing I am lonely for is physical companionship.  I want someone to hold me, and kiss me, and hug me.  I loved it when I would be in Seth's arms and I a feeling of compete safety would come over me.  It was a warmth, a cozy, drowsy warmth that would make me want to fall asleep in that wonderful position and never wake up again, to have him kissing my cheek and neck, stroking my hand while I rest my head on his chest.  Just to be hugged and told that I am loved, that I'm beautiful, that I'm special.  I miss having someone's hand to reach out and hold on to.  It makes me remember ASB ball, when we were waiting outside Kiva Grill for the valet to bring the big blue bus around, and Seth reached out and took hold of my hand.  I had never had a boy do that before, and I was overcome with such a feeling of specialness.  How I long to have that feeling once again, yet it only comes once.  I wish I could spend an evening on the cliffs of Torrey Pines Park, sitting with Seth's arms wrapped around me as we stare out into the ocean and get to be best friends.

P.E. and my Dream of being a Varsity Athlete : 31

March 26, 1994

Yesterday at P.E., I played basketball, I did really good, I can't shoot, but when playing with my equals, I'm a good guard, I think I may have potential.  And by my gruesome playing, I've begun to earn the respect of Lise.  If I can get her to like me, then that whole group of girls will be more accepting of me, which will make my life a lot nicer here.  I really love to play basketball, I'm on my class's team, maybe I can be good enough to try out for the team when I return to LJHS.  It's such a fun sport.  I need to learn how to shoot though.

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On Thursday I ran 4 miles, it took me a long time but I'm quite proud, and beside being tired, I wasn't sore at all the next day.  I need to get some uphill and downhill, but in Paraguay, I think that might be impossible.  Oh well, If I can build up my endurance real well, the strength for hills can come quickly.  It's just a matter of running Calle del Oro twice a week as soon as I get home!  Joy, I'll need some good music for that!  Or conversation.  Just remember, as soon as you return, you'll always be able to find someone to run with you (you'll always be able to run w/ someone who will challenge you!).  Just keep at the basics now, and you'll be able to soar come September.

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Bad news, I'm getting fat and my watch broke.

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Robin the Butterfly : 30

Dear God, : 29

Dear God,
I realized today how much about my own religion I did not understand or know about.  All my life it has been my belief because other people have wanted it, but now I want it for myself.  I want to have the desire to read the bible because I want to, to understand what is written, to finally learn to pray my own way and in my own words, to praise Jesus and find other people to praise God with.  Is it possible to be an intelligent woman, a self-conscious teenager, and a catholic at the same time?  Yes, I believe it is.  But it won't be easy.  The first steps are the hardest.  Open your bible, stop and appreciate the beauty, speak to God and pray (and go to church).  Thank you God for getting me started, now I need your help every step of the way.  I have my John Denver, my spanish bible, my beautiful countryside, and soon I will have my Gathering Songs, and all of these things can help greatly.  But education is the key.  Appreciate the beauty of your world.  Love the world that God has created for me and share it with others, there is no greater prayer.
Robin
MArch 23, 1994