Lonely Adjustments : 32

March 30

11 pm

My mind is so full of thoughts.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep again.  It is holy week, chipa and church.  My sister dislocated her shoulder today playing handball, I don;t think I want to play, it sounds dangerous.  Yesterday my Dad got pictures developed in Asuncion, it was fun to see them.  Lis invited me to go to her basketball practices on Mondays and Fridays, maybe I will learn the game.  I finished reading The Awakening today, it shocked me.  I wasn't ready for the ending, when she began swimming out into the sea I kept thinking no, it won;t end like this, there will be more.  All of the Kate chopin stories aren't good for me right now, they are making me lonely.  The main thing I am lonely for is physical companionship.  I want someone to hold me, and kiss me, and hug me.  I loved it when I would be in Seth's arms and I a feeling of compete safety would come over me.  It was a warmth, a cozy, drowsy warmth that would make me want to fall asleep in that wonderful position and never wake up again, to have him kissing my cheek and neck, stroking my hand while I rest my head on his chest.  Just to be hugged and told that I am loved, that I'm beautiful, that I'm special.  I miss having someone's hand to reach out and hold on to.  It makes me remember ASB ball, when we were waiting outside Kiva Grill for the valet to bring the big blue bus around, and Seth reached out and took hold of my hand.  I had never had a boy do that before, and I was overcome with such a feeling of specialness.  How I long to have that feeling once again, yet it only comes once.  I wish I could spend an evening on the cliffs of Torrey Pines Park, sitting with Seth's arms wrapped around me as we stare out into the ocean and get to be best friends.