Strange Days: 39

Such a strange day.  The morning was spent creating more beautiful letters.  I have sent people the most awesome letters filled with rad butterfly stationary, s. hemisphere poetry and watercolors, but I find out that nobody is recieving any of them.  I've given up hope with the mail to the US.  I'll have to simply fax Seth or Michael maybe 3 or 4 times a month, how sad, I liked making the pretty letters, I thought they would make people happy and willing to write me more letters.  I hate phone calls, and people here asking me questions about Seth, these two things make me very unhappy.  This evening, I went to the PC house and met two vulgar people, Sue and Mike, who made infinite rude jokes, helped me learn a little bit more about the ignorance of Paraguayan culture, and brought a sadness over me, I went there for conversation  and a laugh, and I came home feeling empty and lonely.  I sat down to listen to John Denver and Cat Stevens and to play guitar, and I was interrupted by a phone call from my parents.  I love mom and dad so much, they are such wonderful people who bring me so much strength.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I hardly ever go running.  I;m never going to make varsity, and I want it so badly.  I want to be one of the best so my Dad can be proud of me.  So that he can go to Morley Field and stand tall not just because he is awesome for his own talent, but because hi daughter as well as the gift of speed and endurance.

I wish I could be held, the lack of physical companionship has made me quite lonely, I miss that more than anything else.  I've been quite spoiled, I know I want my hand held and a warm hug and that feeling of safety Seth brought me when all was dark and he wrapped his arms around me.  At the party when Diego held Trudi's hand I saw that his thumb he slightly rubbed her hand, just like Seth did to me, it made me so jealous.  I want to hold Seth's long graceful hands that I use to just sit and look at and stroke.  He never understood why I would sit looking at his hands, I couldn't either, but know I know why, it was for memories, because soon I would come to miss those hands more than anything, and his blue eyes, and his warm chest pressed against mine and his silly laugh and freckles...I remember after a basketball game when I stood outside talking to Alida, Jeff Beard, and some other girl and all of a sudden Seth came walking through them, pushing past, unseeing of anything but his destination, not noticing the fact that there was a conversation, he simply wanted to break through that circle, to get to me, and give me a wonderful hug, and he did, and it was wonderful, and I am glad that I have at least the memories of such love filled embraces, they will have to last me the next 4 months, and perhaps longer.  Oh God I am so scared to face my return, I don't know what is going to happen, and this is such a draining experience, that I don;t know how I'll ever find the energy to face the mess I left behind me.