Strange Days: 39

Such a strange day.  The morning was spent creating more beautiful letters.  I have sent people the most awesome letters filled with rad butterfly stationary, s. hemisphere poetry and watercolors, but I find out that nobody is recieving any of them.  I've given up hope with the mail to the US.  I'll have to simply fax Seth or Michael maybe 3 or 4 times a month, how sad, I liked making the pretty letters, I thought they would make people happy and willing to write me more letters.  I hate phone calls, and people here asking me questions about Seth, these two things make me very unhappy.  This evening, I went to the PC house and met two vulgar people, Sue and Mike, who made infinite rude jokes, helped me learn a little bit more about the ignorance of Paraguayan culture, and brought a sadness over me, I went there for conversation  and a laugh, and I came home feeling empty and lonely.  I sat down to listen to John Denver and Cat Stevens and to play guitar, and I was interrupted by a phone call from my parents.  I love mom and dad so much, they are such wonderful people who bring me so much strength.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I hardly ever go running.  I;m never going to make varsity, and I want it so badly.  I want to be one of the best so my Dad can be proud of me.  So that he can go to Morley Field and stand tall not just because he is awesome for his own talent, but because hi daughter as well as the gift of speed and endurance.

I wish I could be held, the lack of physical companionship has made me quite lonely, I miss that more than anything else.  I've been quite spoiled, I know I want my hand held and a warm hug and that feeling of safety Seth brought me when all was dark and he wrapped his arms around me.  At the party when Diego held Trudi's hand I saw that his thumb he slightly rubbed her hand, just like Seth did to me, it made me so jealous.  I want to hold Seth's long graceful hands that I use to just sit and look at and stroke.  He never understood why I would sit looking at his hands, I couldn't either, but know I know why, it was for memories, because soon I would come to miss those hands more than anything, and his blue eyes, and his warm chest pressed against mine and his silly laugh and freckles...I remember after a basketball game when I stood outside talking to Alida, Jeff Beard, and some other girl and all of a sudden Seth came walking through them, pushing past, unseeing of anything but his destination, not noticing the fact that there was a conversation, he simply wanted to break through that circle, to get to me, and give me a wonderful hug, and he did, and it was wonderful, and I am glad that I have at least the memories of such love filled embraces, they will have to last me the next 4 months, and perhaps longer.  Oh God I am so scared to face my return, I don't know what is going to happen, and this is such a draining experience, that I don;t know how I'll ever find the energy to face the mess I left behind me.

In my adventure : 38

Jazz plays in the background of my adventure of sunshine
Yellow butterflies drink sweet nectar in my adventure of flowers
Chords sound in a hesitant rhythm in my adventure of the guitar
Muscles ache and wind rushes by in my adventure de corriendo
The ambrosia of the Paraguayan Gods is tasted in my adventure of terere
Letters written, books read, stories told in my adventure of words
Tears are frequent, laughter more so in my adventure of emotions
The second hand unmercifully trudges on in my adventure of deadlines

Malo Educacion : 37

Malo Educacion

Teach your children while they are still young
Fill them with thoughts of equality and kindness.
Malo educacion surrounds me each day
And I am frightened.
Rude hollering, harsh touches
"Just leave me alone!"
The women stand by and watch.
They don't mind,
They permit it,
And dare I sat
They teach it.
What a shame that they forgot
To educate their young.

Teach your children while they are still young
Fill them with desires to learn and to teach.
Malo educación surrounds me each day
And I am frightened.
Backwards school, ignorant teachers
Don't they want to learn?
The teachers stand by and watch.
They don;t mind,
They like it,
And dar I say
They cause it.
What a shame that their nation
Cannot educate their young.

-
---
Robin C. Oleata
March 17, 1994
Caaguazu, Paraguay
---
-

I am walking : 36

I am walking

Alone

Down a red dirt road.

My eyes are closed,

Yet I keep walking;

And every few feet

I stumble

And sometimes fall

Upon a rock I cannot see

Because I am blinded

By language and opinions

My culture and my sex.

Why do I continue

Down this road?

Where is it

That I hope to be going?

And why do I allow myself

to become bruised?

My knees and hands are

bleeding from the falls.

I have no one but myself

To pick me up and tend to my wounds.

But, I know why I continue

Down this road

My hands stretched out in front of me

Singing a song and smiling.

It is because each day

My eyes open up a little more

And I am able to see more

of the beauty 

that surrounds me

Today I did not stumble

Upon those rocks

Half as much as I used to.

I know the road leads nowhere.

It is not the destination I desire,

But the knowledge of the journey.

I long for the day

When my eyes will at last 

be wide open

seeing all.

But until then,

I will continue to fall.

It is all part of the journey.

-

---

Robin Cathleen Oleata

April 8, 1994

Caaguazu, Paraguay

---

-

Gossip : 35

that Girl is commiting AFS suicide.  Yesterday, Federico went to the AFS office in Asuncion (he's Trudi's  brother, and he's leaving for the U.S. in August, right after I leave) and he brought with him a letter from Marnie that said all the reasons why she was unhappy, and couldn't handle her mom.  Today a guy from the office called her, he told her to be more assertive with her host mom.  I hope everything works out for her, she's getting to be the best friend I have here.  I was joking with her that they would send Trudi to the Chaco to get her away from Diego and then give Marnie Trudi's family.  Who knows?  but I'm sure it will all work out.  I'm quite unhappy.  I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks!  Oh well, maybe next week, and if not, I'll live.  Letters aren't that important, they are just filled with news that doesn't interest me much.

April Star Charts : 34

Party! : 33

April 8, 1994
Yesterday night I went to a big double B-day party.  One girl was a companera of Trudi and Marnie, and the other was Edgar's girl friend (she was turning 15).  She was tall, beautiful, and immensely skinny.  I loved her dress, I want one like it.  It was white, short, and very tight.  It had underneath a white satinish material sleeveless slip and over was white short sleeved lace that came up to her neck.  There were about 50 pearl buttons going down the back.   Knock-out beautiful.  There were tons of people at the fiesta and they had endless delicious food; good, loud music, lots of available guys, and good drinks.  At the beginning we did the little dance in a circle (all girls) and swich being the person in the middle.  Then Whitney Houston;s "I will always love you" came on and Marnie and I stood on top of a chair and belted it out.  It was so much fun.  I danced till 12, then home to bed, because it was Thurs. night!  At the party Trudi danced with Diego and held his hand and he told her he loved her (such shit, it is probably the only English he knows).

Lonely Adjustments : 32

March 30

11 pm

My mind is so full of thoughts.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep again.  It is holy week, chipa and church.  My sister dislocated her shoulder today playing handball, I don;t think I want to play, it sounds dangerous.  Yesterday my Dad got pictures developed in Asuncion, it was fun to see them.  Lis invited me to go to her basketball practices on Mondays and Fridays, maybe I will learn the game.  I finished reading The Awakening today, it shocked me.  I wasn't ready for the ending, when she began swimming out into the sea I kept thinking no, it won;t end like this, there will be more.  All of the Kate chopin stories aren't good for me right now, they are making me lonely.  The main thing I am lonely for is physical companionship.  I want someone to hold me, and kiss me, and hug me.  I loved it when I would be in Seth's arms and I a feeling of compete safety would come over me.  It was a warmth, a cozy, drowsy warmth that would make me want to fall asleep in that wonderful position and never wake up again, to have him kissing my cheek and neck, stroking my hand while I rest my head on his chest.  Just to be hugged and told that I am loved, that I'm beautiful, that I'm special.  I miss having someone's hand to reach out and hold on to.  It makes me remember ASB ball, when we were waiting outside Kiva Grill for the valet to bring the big blue bus around, and Seth reached out and took hold of my hand.  I had never had a boy do that before, and I was overcome with such a feeling of specialness.  How I long to have that feeling once again, yet it only comes once.  I wish I could spend an evening on the cliffs of Torrey Pines Park, sitting with Seth's arms wrapped around me as we stare out into the ocean and get to be best friends.

P.E. and my Dream of being a Varsity Athlete : 31

March 26, 1994

Yesterday at P.E., I played basketball, I did really good, I can't shoot, but when playing with my equals, I'm a good guard, I think I may have potential.  And by my gruesome playing, I've begun to earn the respect of Lise.  If I can get her to like me, then that whole group of girls will be more accepting of me, which will make my life a lot nicer here.  I really love to play basketball, I'm on my class's team, maybe I can be good enough to try out for the team when I return to LJHS.  It's such a fun sport.  I need to learn how to shoot though.

---------------------**------------------------------

On Thursday I ran 4 miles, it took me a long time but I'm quite proud, and beside being tired, I wasn't sore at all the next day.  I need to get some uphill and downhill, but in Paraguay, I think that might be impossible.  Oh well, If I can build up my endurance real well, the strength for hills can come quickly.  It's just a matter of running Calle del Oro twice a week as soon as I get home!  Joy, I'll need some good music for that!  Or conversation.  Just remember, as soon as you return, you'll always be able to find someone to run with you (you'll always be able to run w/ someone who will challenge you!).  Just keep at the basics now, and you'll be able to soar come September.

---------------------**------------------------------

Bad news, I'm getting fat and my watch broke.

---------------------**------------------------------

Robin the Butterfly : 30

Dear God, : 29

Dear God,
I realized today how much about my own religion I did not understand or know about.  All my life it has been my belief because other people have wanted it, but now I want it for myself.  I want to have the desire to read the bible because I want to, to understand what is written, to finally learn to pray my own way and in my own words, to praise Jesus and find other people to praise God with.  Is it possible to be an intelligent woman, a self-conscious teenager, and a catholic at the same time?  Yes, I believe it is.  But it won't be easy.  The first steps are the hardest.  Open your bible, stop and appreciate the beauty, speak to God and pray (and go to church).  Thank you God for getting me started, now I need your help every step of the way.  I have my John Denver, my spanish bible, my beautiful countryside, and soon I will have my Gathering Songs, and all of these things can help greatly.  But education is the key.  Appreciate the beauty of your world.  Love the world that God has created for me and share it with others, there is no greater prayer.
Robin
MArch 23, 1994

Girl Scout Interest Projects Work-Log : 28

Things to do when I get Home : 27

Things to do when I get Home
-----------------------------------------
1. A long run in my neighborhood with good music and no tracks
2. Go to the beach and get really tan
3. Lie in the sun
4. Walk barefoot
5. Go backpacking with Christopher
6. Visit Winacka
7. Kick it at Bernini's, Panikin and Checkers
8. Iced cafe mocha, vanilla capuccino
9. Pancakes eaten on the patio in my PJ's
10. Lift weights
11. Eat fruit and veggies
12. Hike at Torrey Pines at sunset and watch the stars come out
13. Have a party
14. Take Alida out to breakfast *good luck at college
15. Drink terere at the beach
16. Play basketball with Diana
17. Bonfire with me playing awesome guitar
18. Hug everyone I see many times
19. Driving school
20. Dentist, Cross Country Physical, Orthodontist, Dermatologist
21. Have Randy show me the cool owl caves
22. Get Paraguay patch made for my letterman jacket
23. Get journals from Corri

24. Maybe swich rooms to upstairs
25. Find out about L.I.T.
26. But your new interest projects
27. Check out algebra 3-4 book SAT prep
28. Books from the library (2 weeks summer reading!)
29. Play on swing sets
30. Get my watch fixed
31. Begin Cross Country hill training!
32. Snorkeling
33. Disneyland with Michele!
34. Buy new running and maybe basketball shoes
35. Buy used Maniacs CDs and Cranberries and others
36. Go stargazing
37. Buy abs of steel workout video and go at it
38. Jump off the clam
39. Go to the zoo
40. Go to LA
41. Presidio Park end of Summer picnic
42. Show up at La Jolla party
43. Write letters to Trudi and Marnie
44. Sign up for more guitar lessons
45. Run with Mr. Dorman
46. Find out about sewing classes
47. Get a cookies and cream milk shake at Mr. Frosty's
48. Go surfing
49. Eat an evergreen from the cheeseshop
50. Become a vegetarian
51. Get Delia's watch cleaned
52. Mate with friends
53. Wedding present and visit with Mr. D
54. Lose substantial amounts of weight
55. Cry from missing my family and friends
56.  Read all my poems to someone who might like them
57. Make chip, mbeju, cosido, etc.
58. Eat pizza

59. Scream really loud
60. Wear baggy clothes
61. Act young
62. Bead Party
63. Brother bonding with Randy
64. Stay out late
65. Decorate my room
66. Go to mission beach
67. Go water skiing with Jesse
68. Snorkeling with Seth and his brother

And now for English : 26

And now for English
I realized that I was being silly with all my worries of boredom.  I finally have all the time I want to do the things I love to do: reading, painting, writing, playing my guitar, running, writing in my journal, making, creating, enjoying, taking deep breaths, and sitting in the sunshine.  All the wonderful peaceful things I believe make me a more beautiful person.  I should be able to leave here knowing how to play a few pretty songs, with a few simple paintings, some new poetry, a good mile time, and a scrapbook and journal full of wonderful memories.  I am going to become such a calm mellow person.  Maybe I'll buy some material and see if I can try sewing some clothes.  Maybe make a sarong or some baggy pants.  And I want to find some beads.  There are so many wonderful things to do I can't wait until I get my pictures developed so I can start on my scrapbook.  It is going to be colorful and awesome.  It is going to reflect the mellow artistic time I had here.  I'm on sabbatical at 16!

Practicing Spanish : 25

Este dia yo fui a Colonel de Oviedo para una reunion de estudiantes de AFS.  Mi familia y Marnie manijimos de la ciudad.  Trudi, Marnie, yo, Jeanean, y una Thailandesa nuestras familias estuvimos aya.  Nosotros comimos mucho, y un muchacho loco toco una guitarra para mucho tiempo.  Me divertí mucho.  Fui una buen día.

A Box of Letters : 1

Quotes :24

Letters from Home : 23

12-III-93

Today started out bad.  My clock slowed down during the night, and when I woke up is said 6:15, the time I alwats get up.  So I got dressed and went into the kitchen, sat down, poured my coffee, and when I looked up, it was 5 past 7!  No one had bothered to wake me up.  So I grabbed my backpack and ran to school without breakfast, brushing my teeth, truly waking up, and my sweater.. Wen I got into my class I was all shaky and flustered.  It was horrible.  And I didn't have any money to get anything to eat at recess.  Today was the first day that I really didn't understand what was going on in school.  I tried, but I just couldn't figure out what was going on.  Sitting in a classroom all morning when you can't understand what is being said can be quite boring.  But now that I'm through complaining (for now) I'll write to remember how my day got better.  When I sat down to lunch, Edgar handed me a stack of letters (8).  I love letters.  And, in a month, I'd only gotten 2.  I got a crosscountry newsletter from Mr. D, 2 letters from Clodagh, 2 from Jesse, 2 from my mom and a beautiful card from Christopher.  I love mail, and it is so wonderful to hear from everyone.  I was mentioned in the Cross Country newsletter, which I thought was pretty cool.  I was referred to as a promising star in the '94 season, and today I ran a 8 minute mile (+10 sec) which I'm quite proud of.  I'm going to run under a 6 minute mile before I leave.  That is only cutting off 30 seconds per lap, which I know I can do with more training.  I have the desire, and I almost have the strength, it's just the endurance I need and that comes with time.  Long distance is 95% mental, and 5% hard work.  I have the time for the hard work, and I'm working on the mental.  Dad would be so proud of me if could be awesome in cross country.  I want to make Varsity.

Another thing I did today that put me in a good mood, is that I made photocopies of different pages in my book "Hope for the Flowers" and I made beautiful stationary to write rad letters on.  At least I think it's cool, and I had fun making it.  It is such a wonderful book, and this is a good way to share it with others.  I finished my day with ham and cheese empanadas.  Yummy!  Not very healthy, but they taste so damned good, I love them.  Juicy yummy good.  On Sunday I;m going to Coronel Oviedo where all the AFS kids and their families from all the surrounding cities are meeting.  Hopefully I'll see lots of kids from orientation.

buen dia

First Rain : 22

 

March 16, 1994

I read hope for the flowers this evening.  I think it is the first time since the Sierra Club hike.  I love the story so much every time I read it.  It is so beautiful.  So simple.  I hope it always remains special to me.  God, let no one ruin my beautiful story, let me always believe in the beauty of the butterfly.

I watched the coming of a storm today.  It was amazing.  Randy was so right when he spoke of the beauty of the powers of nature.  The great storm, fires, wind, it is all beautiful.  Mysterious. The clouds rolled past so quickly overhead, thunder moaned and the sky lighted uo.  Fern branches blew above me, and the sweet smell of the first drops of rain.  I was amazed.  I only wish my view hadn't been blocked by buildings, I wanted to see, but I could not.  Into every night a little rain must fall but at least I hope my rain is always as magnificent and beautiful as this rain.

"You are my friend...forever."  Smiling Olga