Strange Days: 39

Such a strange day.  The morning was spent creating more beautiful letters.  I have sent people the most awesome letters filled with rad butterfly stationary, s. hemisphere poetry and watercolors, but I find out that nobody is recieving any of them.  I've given up hope with the mail to the US.  I'll have to simply fax Seth or Michael maybe 3 or 4 times a month, how sad, I liked making the pretty letters, I thought they would make people happy and willing to write me more letters.  I hate phone calls, and people here asking me questions about Seth, these two things make me very unhappy.  This evening, I went to the PC house and met two vulgar people, Sue and Mike, who made infinite rude jokes, helped me learn a little bit more about the ignorance of Paraguayan culture, and brought a sadness over me, I went there for conversation  and a laugh, and I came home feeling empty and lonely.  I sat down to listen to John Denver and Cat Stevens and to play guitar, and I was interrupted by a phone call from my parents.  I love mom and dad so much, they are such wonderful people who bring me so much strength.  I'm so disappointed in myself.  I hardly ever go running.  I;m never going to make varsity, and I want it so badly.  I want to be one of the best so my Dad can be proud of me.  So that he can go to Morley Field and stand tall not just because he is awesome for his own talent, but because hi daughter as well as the gift of speed and endurance.

I wish I could be held, the lack of physical companionship has made me quite lonely, I miss that more than anything else.  I've been quite spoiled, I know I want my hand held and a warm hug and that feeling of safety Seth brought me when all was dark and he wrapped his arms around me.  At the party when Diego held Trudi's hand I saw that his thumb he slightly rubbed her hand, just like Seth did to me, it made me so jealous.  I want to hold Seth's long graceful hands that I use to just sit and look at and stroke.  He never understood why I would sit looking at his hands, I couldn't either, but know I know why, it was for memories, because soon I would come to miss those hands more than anything, and his blue eyes, and his warm chest pressed against mine and his silly laugh and freckles...I remember after a basketball game when I stood outside talking to Alida, Jeff Beard, and some other girl and all of a sudden Seth came walking through them, pushing past, unseeing of anything but his destination, not noticing the fact that there was a conversation, he simply wanted to break through that circle, to get to me, and give me a wonderful hug, and he did, and it was wonderful, and I am glad that I have at least the memories of such love filled embraces, they will have to last me the next 4 months, and perhaps longer.  Oh God I am so scared to face my return, I don't know what is going to happen, and this is such a draining experience, that I don;t know how I'll ever find the energy to face the mess I left behind me.

I am walking : 36

I am walking

Alone

Down a red dirt road.

My eyes are closed,

Yet I keep walking;

And every few feet

I stumble

And sometimes fall

Upon a rock I cannot see

Because I am blinded

By language and opinions

My culture and my sex.

Why do I continue

Down this road?

Where is it

That I hope to be going?

And why do I allow myself

to become bruised?

My knees and hands are

bleeding from the falls.

I have no one but myself

To pick me up and tend to my wounds.

But, I know why I continue

Down this road

My hands stretched out in front of me

Singing a song and smiling.

It is because each day

My eyes open up a little more

And I am able to see more

of the beauty 

that surrounds me

Today I did not stumble

Upon those rocks

Half as much as I used to.

I know the road leads nowhere.

It is not the destination I desire,

But the knowledge of the journey.

I long for the day

When my eyes will at last 

be wide open

seeing all.

But until then,

I will continue to fall.

It is all part of the journey.

-

---

Robin Cathleen Oleata

April 8, 1994

Caaguazu, Paraguay

---

-

Gossip : 35

that Girl is commiting AFS suicide.  Yesterday, Federico went to the AFS office in Asuncion (he's Trudi's  brother, and he's leaving for the U.S. in August, right after I leave) and he brought with him a letter from Marnie that said all the reasons why she was unhappy, and couldn't handle her mom.  Today a guy from the office called her, he told her to be more assertive with her host mom.  I hope everything works out for her, she's getting to be the best friend I have here.  I was joking with her that they would send Trudi to the Chaco to get her away from Diego and then give Marnie Trudi's family.  Who knows?  but I'm sure it will all work out.  I'm quite unhappy.  I haven't gotten a letter in two weeks!  Oh well, maybe next week, and if not, I'll live.  Letters aren't that important, they are just filled with news that doesn't interest me much.

April Star Charts : 34

Party! : 33

April 8, 1994
Yesterday night I went to a big double B-day party.  One girl was a companera of Trudi and Marnie, and the other was Edgar's girl friend (she was turning 15).  She was tall, beautiful, and immensely skinny.  I loved her dress, I want one like it.  It was white, short, and very tight.  It had underneath a white satinish material sleeveless slip and over was white short sleeved lace that came up to her neck.  There were about 50 pearl buttons going down the back.   Knock-out beautiful.  There were tons of people at the fiesta and they had endless delicious food; good, loud music, lots of available guys, and good drinks.  At the beginning we did the little dance in a circle (all girls) and swich being the person in the middle.  Then Whitney Houston;s "I will always love you" came on and Marnie and I stood on top of a chair and belted it out.  It was so much fun.  I danced till 12, then home to bed, because it was Thurs. night!  At the party Trudi danced with Diego and held his hand and he told her he loved her (such shit, it is probably the only English he knows).