Lonely Adjustments : 32

March 30

11 pm

My mind is so full of thoughts.  I don't think I'll be able to sleep again.  It is holy week, chipa and church.  My sister dislocated her shoulder today playing handball, I don;t think I want to play, it sounds dangerous.  Yesterday my Dad got pictures developed in Asuncion, it was fun to see them.  Lis invited me to go to her basketball practices on Mondays and Fridays, maybe I will learn the game.  I finished reading The Awakening today, it shocked me.  I wasn't ready for the ending, when she began swimming out into the sea I kept thinking no, it won;t end like this, there will be more.  All of the Kate chopin stories aren't good for me right now, they are making me lonely.  The main thing I am lonely for is physical companionship.  I want someone to hold me, and kiss me, and hug me.  I loved it when I would be in Seth's arms and I a feeling of compete safety would come over me.  It was a warmth, a cozy, drowsy warmth that would make me want to fall asleep in that wonderful position and never wake up again, to have him kissing my cheek and neck, stroking my hand while I rest my head on his chest.  Just to be hugged and told that I am loved, that I'm beautiful, that I'm special.  I miss having someone's hand to reach out and hold on to.  It makes me remember ASB ball, when we were waiting outside Kiva Grill for the valet to bring the big blue bus around, and Seth reached out and took hold of my hand.  I had never had a boy do that before, and I was overcome with such a feeling of specialness.  How I long to have that feeling once again, yet it only comes once.  I wish I could spend an evening on the cliffs of Torrey Pines Park, sitting with Seth's arms wrapped around me as we stare out into the ocean and get to be best friends.

P.E. and my Dream of being a Varsity Athlete : 31

March 26, 1994

Yesterday at P.E., I played basketball, I did really good, I can't shoot, but when playing with my equals, I'm a good guard, I think I may have potential.  And by my gruesome playing, I've begun to earn the respect of Lise.  If I can get her to like me, then that whole group of girls will be more accepting of me, which will make my life a lot nicer here.  I really love to play basketball, I'm on my class's team, maybe I can be good enough to try out for the team when I return to LJHS.  It's such a fun sport.  I need to learn how to shoot though.

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On Thursday I ran 4 miles, it took me a long time but I'm quite proud, and beside being tired, I wasn't sore at all the next day.  I need to get some uphill and downhill, but in Paraguay, I think that might be impossible.  Oh well, If I can build up my endurance real well, the strength for hills can come quickly.  It's just a matter of running Calle del Oro twice a week as soon as I get home!  Joy, I'll need some good music for that!  Or conversation.  Just remember, as soon as you return, you'll always be able to find someone to run with you (you'll always be able to run w/ someone who will challenge you!).  Just keep at the basics now, and you'll be able to soar come September.

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Bad news, I'm getting fat and my watch broke.

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Robin the Butterfly : 30

Dear God, : 29

Dear God,
I realized today how much about my own religion I did not understand or know about.  All my life it has been my belief because other people have wanted it, but now I want it for myself.  I want to have the desire to read the bible because I want to, to understand what is written, to finally learn to pray my own way and in my own words, to praise Jesus and find other people to praise God with.  Is it possible to be an intelligent woman, a self-conscious teenager, and a catholic at the same time?  Yes, I believe it is.  But it won't be easy.  The first steps are the hardest.  Open your bible, stop and appreciate the beauty, speak to God and pray (and go to church).  Thank you God for getting me started, now I need your help every step of the way.  I have my John Denver, my spanish bible, my beautiful countryside, and soon I will have my Gathering Songs, and all of these things can help greatly.  But education is the key.  Appreciate the beauty of your world.  Love the world that God has created for me and share it with others, there is no greater prayer.
Robin
MArch 23, 1994

Girl Scout Interest Projects Work-Log : 28

Things to do when I get Home : 27

Things to do when I get Home
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1. A long run in my neighborhood with good music and no tracks
2. Go to the beach and get really tan
3. Lie in the sun
4. Walk barefoot
5. Go backpacking with Christopher
6. Visit Winacka
7. Kick it at Bernini's, Panikin and Checkers
8. Iced cafe mocha, vanilla capuccino
9. Pancakes eaten on the patio in my PJ's
10. Lift weights
11. Eat fruit and veggies
12. Hike at Torrey Pines at sunset and watch the stars come out
13. Have a party
14. Take Alida out to breakfast *good luck at college
15. Drink terere at the beach
16. Play basketball with Diana
17. Bonfire with me playing awesome guitar
18. Hug everyone I see many times
19. Driving school
20. Dentist, Cross Country Physical, Orthodontist, Dermatologist
21. Have Randy show me the cool owl caves
22. Get Paraguay patch made for my letterman jacket
23. Get journals from Corri

24. Maybe swich rooms to upstairs
25. Find out about L.I.T.
26. But your new interest projects
27. Check out algebra 3-4 book SAT prep
28. Books from the library (2 weeks summer reading!)
29. Play on swing sets
30. Get my watch fixed
31. Begin Cross Country hill training!
32. Snorkeling
33. Disneyland with Michele!
34. Buy new running and maybe basketball shoes
35. Buy used Maniacs CDs and Cranberries and others
36. Go stargazing
37. Buy abs of steel workout video and go at it
38. Jump off the clam
39. Go to the zoo
40. Go to LA
41. Presidio Park end of Summer picnic
42. Show up at La Jolla party
43. Write letters to Trudi and Marnie
44. Sign up for more guitar lessons
45. Run with Mr. Dorman
46. Find out about sewing classes
47. Get a cookies and cream milk shake at Mr. Frosty's
48. Go surfing
49. Eat an evergreen from the cheeseshop
50. Become a vegetarian
51. Get Delia's watch cleaned
52. Mate with friends
53. Wedding present and visit with Mr. D
54. Lose substantial amounts of weight
55. Cry from missing my family and friends
56.  Read all my poems to someone who might like them
57. Make chip, mbeju, cosido, etc.
58. Eat pizza

59. Scream really loud
60. Wear baggy clothes
61. Act young
62. Bead Party
63. Brother bonding with Randy
64. Stay out late
65. Decorate my room
66. Go to mission beach
67. Go water skiing with Jesse
68. Snorkeling with Seth and his brother

And now for English : 26

And now for English
I realized that I was being silly with all my worries of boredom.  I finally have all the time I want to do the things I love to do: reading, painting, writing, playing my guitar, running, writing in my journal, making, creating, enjoying, taking deep breaths, and sitting in the sunshine.  All the wonderful peaceful things I believe make me a more beautiful person.  I should be able to leave here knowing how to play a few pretty songs, with a few simple paintings, some new poetry, a good mile time, and a scrapbook and journal full of wonderful memories.  I am going to become such a calm mellow person.  Maybe I'll buy some material and see if I can try sewing some clothes.  Maybe make a sarong or some baggy pants.  And I want to find some beads.  There are so many wonderful things to do I can't wait until I get my pictures developed so I can start on my scrapbook.  It is going to be colorful and awesome.  It is going to reflect the mellow artistic time I had here.  I'm on sabbatical at 16!