Self Indulgent Birthday Reflections : 15

March 1, 1994

15 has been a wonderful year.  Better than any other so far.  So many wonderful things have happened.  I have had so much fun.  I have made the closest friends I have ever had.  Terra, Seth, Clodagh, Jesse, Kristy, Elodie, Corri, Alida, and others.  I've had so many first kiss, on a starlit patio overlooking the lights of San Diego, then went on to have many other firsts.  Starry nights in the studio with Seth experimenting and learning.  I've also done well in school.  Hard classes, good grades.  And my summer was great.  The Caribbean and being a CIT.  I started guitar.  Went to some really fun school dances (ASB, homecoming, winter dance ).  I was one of the people up for the homecoming court.  I got to perform at Jack Murphy Stadium as a Varsity Cheerleader.  I did awesome on the Varsity Track Team.And my friendship with Seth over the whole year was wonderful.  He has been the most wonderful friend.  I thanks him for the happiness he has brought into my life.  This past year has really helped me to blossom into the young woman that I believe I am today.  The people and things that have influenced me have made me into a confident, fairly intelligent, slightly cynical, smiling girl who opens her heart to new ideas.  I thank God dearly for my year, I can't even begin to expect another like it, yet, look at where I am on my 16th B-day.  I am beginning an adventure in Paraguay.  An adventure that so far proves to be a wonderful choice.  Tonight my new friends and their families are coming over to celebrate my birthday, and all day everyone has been so nice to me.  Everyone keeps kissing my cheeks and saying felicidades.  Everyone keeps smiling at me, they all seem so excited to celebrate the day their new friend was born.  15 was a year of friendships and learning and growth.  I hope my 16th year reflects these 3 themes as well.  I ask for God's help.  This year will be harder, I know.  But harder work produces better results. '16'

First Pains : 14

  

2-27

I don't know why I'm so upset and I just wish I wasn't.  It all started last night when I lost my Teddy Bear at the party.  I really depended on my bear, he made me feel better at night, less lonely, he always did.  And then, it was so strange this morning when I got up out of bed, everything got kind of dizzy and black like it does sometimes when I get up, but this time it was worse, and I'm not sure what happened, but I guessed I blacked out or fainted or something, I can't remember, but all I know is that I hit my head, hard on something and cut my elbow.  There is still a big lump on my head, and it hurts.  It was so scary, I didn't know what had happened, I still don't.  And then the whole day was filled with nothing.  Just sitting around, silent.  And when you're beginning to feel homesick, there is nothing worse than an empty day.  And then tonight, since it was Sunday (calls cheaper) and because my B-day is on Tuesday, I thought I would call my parents, and maybe talk to them for a little while, but they aren't home, and I feel horrible, very lonely.  And it is so hard, for me to understand my feelings, why I'm upset and how to make myself feel better.  And I want to know how my heart feels, and who I miss.  Do I miss Seth or not, was I ever really in love with him, and if I was am I still.  Is it him I miss, or my parents, or my room, or is it just my teddy bear?  I can't wait for school to start, I need to have something to do with my time.  I need something else to think about than what I have been thinking about.  AFS is a roller coaster ride.

I don't know if I miss Seth, I don't know much about my feelings, but I do know that I miss his hugs, a lot.

Today will be better 2-28

today was better, and tomorrow will be better still.  Sixteen Candles! '16'

The First Party : 13

2-27

The party last night was awesome.  I looked really cute in my costume.  My hair was done up in to braids with big bows and I wore my pajamas and drew freckles on my face, and I had a pacifier.  There were 3 of us AFS students there.  Myself, Trudy (Australia), and Marnie (New Zealand), and I don;t know about the other two, but I was definitely a center of attention.  I've never had so many guys want to dance with me in my life.  So many people talking to me at once, it was exciting.  The party was big, about 300 kids between 14 and 20 all dancing in 2 lines under flashing disco lights to some thumping techno.  I've never danced so much in my life, it was a blast.  The strangest thing about it is that the girls are protected here, not allowed to date or be with a boy alone, yet they all had on the stankiest, sluttiest outfits you've ever seen.  There were parent chaperones around the outskirts.  This next thing is the strangest part for me to understand, about the only drink you can get is beer, and it is completely allowed.  None of the parents mind.  And I never need to buy anything, because there is always some guy handing me a drink.  For about the first hour I danced with this totally gorgeous guy, he was hot, but somehow I lost him, I was kind of bummed about that.  I danced with a whole bunch of other guys too, but none compared.

Pora Jasy...A Poem : 12

Pora Jasy

Last night I saw the moon for the first time.

Pora.

Beautiful.

I can't believe they are the same.

Is that face staring down at me

The same as that in the land of confusion?

This is the land of warm breezes,

Terere days, and new stars.

Yet I know these two faces are one;

Both make me feel the same:

Happy to be alive,

Thirsty for each moment,

Yet sad.

Each lunar phase whose beams I breath

Is a brilliant tide that will never again live.

Each day is for me to live, love, and learn.

Don't allow your time to be wasted;

Don't allow the moon to lament

A Sporting Event : 11

2-26-94

Last night we went to watch a handball game.  It was really cool.  The game is a cross between water polo and basketball.  They play on a concrete court similar to a soccer field, but smaller (size of basketball court).  They handle the ball, dribbling and passing much the same as in basketball, but they shoot with one arm into a net like in H2O polo, and there is a goalie.  It was exciting to watch, but the part I liked best was the drums.  Both teams had their own indian drum section beating out pulsating rhythms, it gave it all such an exciting, ritualistic atmosphere.

Tonight I'm going to a fiesta de disfraz--a costume party.  I'm excited, it will be fun.  I'm going as a baby.  Day before yesterday I got really sick, food poisoning, it was pretty horrible, but yesterday I was fine.  I just needed to get it out of my system.

Teenage Love : 10

Noah's Dove

Chords and Denim

Bowtie and Braces

Overalls and Braids

Torrey Pines night hike

Dances

Stars; Orion

Hidden notes

Passionate Kisses

Movies never finished

Spaghetti lunches

Frosty's

Broken curfew

Kiva Grill

Bowling

Moonlight Picnics

Basketball

Baseball

Cheerleading

Cuddling

Massages

Maniacs

Jazz

Silly Moms

Coffee

Watches

Elementary Schools

Beaches

Moon-Lit Picknicks

Swingsets

Ballroom dancing

Break-ups and beaming makeups

Beautiful blue eyes

That look

World's best hugs

Disneyland

Popcorn and Turkey Sandwhiches

Telephones and now letters

<3 Your pen pal, Robin

Miniature Golf

Go Karts

Holding Hands

Engraved ROcks

Tears

First Kiss

First Love

Just Friends

Sad Good-byes

Sunflowers

The List Maker : 9

 It's difficult to read the pencil, it is a list of things I'd like to do to better learn and experience the local culture.  The list says

• ask maid to teach how to make traditional foods--make a cookbook
• learn about the Nanduti lace
• learn traditional songs in Spanish and Guarani
• History
• Quincenera

Below is a scond list, a list to remind me what are on all my rolls of photos, it says:
Roll I - Orientations, Family Lunch in Ypacari
        II - Ciudad dal Este border
             Costume Party
             Terere on my 16th
             16th B-day party
      III - 16th
             First day of school
             Sunset
             Basketball
     IV - AFS B-B-Q @ C. de Oviedo
             Night sky

detail of a small seal of Paraguay on the corner of this page

New Experiences : 8

2-22

I drove to Ciudad del Este then crossed the border into Brazil.  We went there because Nilce needed to buy stock for her store.  It was a nice drive.  The countryside of Paraguay is beautiful.  Everything is so green.  I want to go hiking through the meadows.  It's weird, I really don't miss anyone yet.  I'm really not homesick.  I don't know if that is good or bad.  I really like it here.  I almost regret that I won't be here for a year.  6 months isn't long enough to learn everything I want to learn.  10 years isn't long enough to learn everything I want to learn.  But, I'm making an every effort.  I've tried every food they've put in front of me, including the blood sausage (nasty)!  And I try to speak in Spanish too.  I ask a lot of questions.  There is so much culture and tradition in this country.  I love the Terere.  Not only is it yummy and a good hydrant, but it is such a beautiful social custom how they share it.  One of the few things I am sad about is that every night so far has been cloudy, so I haven' been able to explore the skies of the Southern Hemisphere.  I want to see all of their unique constellations, and be able to be familiar with them before I leave.

I've been invited to a costume party.  It is next Sunday, and I'm excited.  My first Paraguayan Fiesta is going to be awesome, but I don't know what to go as.  It would be cool to go as a butterfly, but that is a hard costume.  Or maybe a cowboy, or something from the beach, a surfer, a pirate, mermaid, something cool.  An American flag, the statue of liberty.  Well, I need to decide soon.

Hasta Manana.

Some First Words in Guarani : 7

In Paraguay they speak the pre-colombian language, Guarani, as well as Spanish.  Here are some first words I learned as well as the name of a book on Paraguayan Sociology. 

Meeting the Family : 6

2-21-94

I really liked it at the camp in Asuncion.  It was beautiful there, so green, and tons of trees, and the thatched roof cottages we stayed in where definitely quaint.  I got to be good friends with Melissa and I definitely really like her.  She always kept my spirits up.  She was so happy to be here, so excited to see and try everything new that it was impossible for me not to be just as excited.  Everything they said to us in Asuncion all the sessions we had were so much more informative than those in Miami.  I really like the people.  Raul was so nice to me.  I loved to hear him play guitar, and it was fun when he would play my camp songs and I would sing.  I'm going to miss the friends I made there.  I thought I would have to take a long bus ride on Saturday to Caaguazu, but my family came to pick me up instead in their new Land Cruiser!  I guess I want be learning to much about the life of the typical Paraguayan, I don't mind.  I really like my family.  They are really nice to me.  I especially like my mom and my big brother Edgar.  Both of them talk to me a lot, and both of them are very patient.  They speak very slowly, and when I don't understand, they repeat it using different words until I do.  Orlando, the youngest, is a lot of fun as well.  Nelson and Delia are quiet people, especially Nelson, they don;t talk much at all.  When my family first picked me up we drove to an Uncle's house in Asuncion, and we all sat around in a circle and talked.  Here in Paraguay you often sit around with relatives and talk.  We weren't there for long.  Next we went to another Uncle's house where we would be staying the night.  When we were situated there all of us kids and there daughter (MArla?) sat around and talked for a long time.  They asked me lots of questions and they told me about the school.  At around 8, we left to another Uncle's house for dinner.  We sat around in a circle and talked and drank and ate appetizers.  There was cut up sausage and bread and morsillo.  Morsillo was blood sausage and I didn't find that out until after I ate it.  Pretty gnarly stuff.  The big fat uncle was cooking all the meat on a big barbecue, I know I am going to come back completely fat.  All we ever eat here is meat.  Sausage, ribs, steak, meat, meat, meat.  Tons of fat on it.  Everyone here is pretty chunky.  Things aren't looking good from that perspective, but from another, all of these uncles, all of these relatives are really nice, everyone is very kind to me.  It is fun going to visit all of the family (Nilce has 11 brothers).  The next day we drove to Ypacari for the big Sunday family gathering.  5 or 6 Uncles and all of their families.  Billions of children and this place was on an uncle's farm.  And it was beautiful.  The farm was for a root, so above ground it just looked like big meadows with scattered pine trees.  Very green, very beautiful.  From there, we drove to Caaguazu.  Edgar drove me around the city with Orlando and Delia in the back.  He showed me the two schools, The National (public) and the Concepcion Inmaculada (Catholic).  He showed me the sports clubs and his father's store.  We talked a lot, I asked tons of questions.  It was a lot of fun.  It was funny though because Edgar has a girlfriend who is 14, and she is very angry at him because she doesn't like the idea of me living with him.  When we drove around the city, we stopped at her house, and Edgar went in to talk to her for a few minutes while we waited in the car.  He told me later that when he went in, he asked her to come out a meet me, but she said no.  I'm causing jealousy, how exciting.  It's fun to be such a center of attention!

What I Read : 5

I kept a log of all the books I read.  Many of the books were loaned to me by Peace Corps Volunteers.  I would encounter some of these titles again in college.  Looking back I think Laughing Boy is my favorite of this list and one book I have read repeatedly.  War and Peace probably brought me the greatest escape, and much needed time-suck.  Lolita and Pnin gave me perspective on adult reality while being incredibly entertaining.

Some free time at a retreat outside of Asuncion : 4

2-17-94

"Culture has given birth."  That is what the executive president of AFS Paraguay told us today at the beginning of our first orientation.  Such beautiful sounding words.  I really like it here.  Everything is so green and warm.  I hear thunder a lot.  We arrived at 2:00 in the afternoon, then came to this camp with a few main buildings and several straw roofed structures where we sleep.  Everything smells so alive here, it's all very fresh.  It's been raining a lot.  It stays dark till late, I think it's 7:00 now and it is still light out, of course it is summer, so that is not unusual.  Anyway, back to what the woman said, "culture has given birth."  She meant that as soon as we stepped off of that plane, culture was born, a new culture to me, and it is now pulsing through my veins, and with each new sight, smell, taste, word, experience, I learn more about this new culture being born inside of me.  It is such a beautiful thought, it makes me desire to learn even more.  I like it here in this camp.  Everything is peaceful and new.  Not only do I have new friends from the U.S. here, there are also two girls from Belgium, 2 boys and a girl form Iceland, and a boy from Norway and about 4 boys and 2 girls from Thailand, so many new people already, and everyone is so friendly.  As long as I don't let the homesickness demon strike too often,I will have a wonderful time, I can't wait to learn the languages, especially Guarani.

The First Entry, American Group Orientation in Miami : 3

2-15-94

Well, I'm off.  Left last night from San Diego with sad good-byes and a few tears.  I've spent the day in Miami, met about 20 new people, from all over the U.S.  Now, I'm lying in my hotel room with girls from Chicago, Iowa, and Wisconsin.  I'm very tired, confused, and lonely.  I don't regret my decisions, but right now I'm definitely teary.  Leaving Seth is one of the hardest things I've ever done, probably the hardest.  I've just grown so attached to him, he's such a wonderful person, and he brings out so many wonderful things in me.  Everything is going to be so wonderful once it starts, but this week of orientation before is going to be hell.  But underneath the tears is a positive spirit seeking adventure, I swear!  I'm just waiting for that spirit to emerge,bringing me strength, I really need that strength now.  I feel very alone.  Maybe I'll write some letters tomorrow, that might make me fuel a little better.  I'm ready for this, but I'm a realist, and I know now that once I get there, it won't be all joyous and exciting, I'm going to have hard times, and lonely times, and times where I just wished I was at home, but it will all be worth it, I've already learned so much and I haven't even reached Paraguay yet, our flight leaves tomorrow at 11:30pm.  I'm scared and nervous, but I'll be fine.

The History of this Story

In 1993 I was having the time of my life.  I was in the tenth grade, on the varsity cheerleading squad, getting great grades, had a cute athlete older boyfriend, great girl friends, mellow parents, all american story.  After listening to an older student share the story of his study abroad experience with AFS, I decided to throw it all away for my own adventure abroad.  At first I dreamed of Italy, then with some encouragement from my father, settled on spanish speaking countries.  It is an in depth application process with interviews and family visits.  Once accepted, I waited eagerly to find out what country.  Was it ever a surprise to discover my selection, Paraguay.  I left just after the start of the second semester and stayed till the end of the summer returning just a few weeks before the start of the eleventh grade.  Here are my journals, books that I bound and decorated myself from a DIY kit.  The cover reminds me of a book that was profoundly important for me at that time, Hope for the Flowers.  I will publish them in there entirety, free of any editing.  It should be an interesting story told from the pen of a teenager.

The Inside Cover : 2

Seeing the Journals from the Outside : 1