First Pains : 14

  

2-27

I don't know why I'm so upset and I just wish I wasn't.  It all started last night when I lost my Teddy Bear at the party.  I really depended on my bear, he made me feel better at night, less lonely, he always did.  And then, it was so strange this morning when I got up out of bed, everything got kind of dizzy and black like it does sometimes when I get up, but this time it was worse, and I'm not sure what happened, but I guessed I blacked out or fainted or something, I can't remember, but all I know is that I hit my head, hard on something and cut my elbow.  There is still a big lump on my head, and it hurts.  It was so scary, I didn't know what had happened, I still don't.  And then the whole day was filled with nothing.  Just sitting around, silent.  And when you're beginning to feel homesick, there is nothing worse than an empty day.  And then tonight, since it was Sunday (calls cheaper) and because my B-day is on Tuesday, I thought I would call my parents, and maybe talk to them for a little while, but they aren't home, and I feel horrible, very lonely.  And it is so hard, for me to understand my feelings, why I'm upset and how to make myself feel better.  And I want to know how my heart feels, and who I miss.  Do I miss Seth or not, was I ever really in love with him, and if I was am I still.  Is it him I miss, or my parents, or my room, or is it just my teddy bear?  I can't wait for school to start, I need to have something to do with my time.  I need something else to think about than what I have been thinking about.  AFS is a roller coaster ride.

I don't know if I miss Seth, I don't know much about my feelings, but I do know that I miss his hugs, a lot.

Today will be better 2-28

today was better, and tomorrow will be better still.  Sixteen Candles! '16'